I thought that grief was like a project in my life. And I felt like after the project was over, you move on. I feel like God has given me such a peace around all the challenging things this year (notably the death of my real mom). And I am blessed by that. BUT... the grief I feel today is not simply for the loss of a life, it's a reminder of who I was as a child and all the things I ran away from when I moved to school, and then to here (Nashville).
The truth that I now realize is that... all my dreams are coming true. As far back as I can remember, I began putting together a dream of what I wanted my life to look like. I hated my life so much that I carefully sketched out a picture in my mind and I am suddenly amazed to find... My life is almost exactly as I had dreamed. I have a church that I love and am sown into the heart of. I have amazing friends I could not have even imagined. I have a God-loving husband who loves me. I even have a dog that is pretty much perfect. I have a corporate marketing job where I get dressed up and have meetings with the CEO (yep, that job description was part of my original picture!) I am writing a book finally. I also have my own business that's doing well! Besides being a few pounds overweight and the lack of home ownership - life is beyond what I even painted in that mental picture. So, why in the world does that bring me to tears?
I think it's the fact that with each step into my future, I get farther from my past. I realize now that I dreamed about all this while hating my past life so much. I only found true forgiveness the past couple years. But what do I do now? People have died, people have moved their lives in so many different directions... I can't seem to find a way to ever go back to that childhood and the people that were in it and appreciate all the good there was, to appreciate this new-found attitude of forgiveness and acceptance. Childhood has such innocence in it and such wonderful moments of beauty and hope. I rarely focused on those - I focused only on getting back at the pain and proving who I could be. Now that I've "proven" it - what now?
The truth is that with the passing of my real (biological) mother... a lot of issues were suddenly re-visited. But I am no longer the person who wants to think on those things. I want to be the picture. I want to be the perfect picture. Anything other than that, to me, seems like a slap in the face of God and all He has blessed me with. But this morning, I realize... it's okay to hurt a little bit. It's okay to truly rejoice and be amazed at all your blessings but at the same time acknowledge the broken pieces that are still healing. When I was slapped in the face by her sudden death back in May, I was amazed by all the different emotions. But then I came back here and life picked up its pace. And instead of continuing on in the opportunity to let wounds open so that they could finally heal the right way (instead of just covering them up with a bandaid) I decided to try and forget it and move on. The thing is this... It's not just grief over Marcia. It's grief over my past, over all those things. It's grieving friendships that I lost because I ran away from them. It's grieving time I lost with my family who adopted me because I ran away from them. It's grieving the hurt girl inside me that never quite found a way to heal.
Last night, I dreamt I was in Illinois. I was at dinner with my family (including Marcia) and it was wonderful. Then later, I was out with a bunch of my good friends and we were laughing and talking. And I know there is a part of me that none of my friends here (not even my husband) knows. They do not know what I went through. They do not know the girl who perfectly sketched out this current picture of her life. And I think that can be hard, because that allows me to just escape it all - even if there's a part of me that doesn't want to. And when I visit with my family and old friends, they don't know the person I've become. It's like my past and present are so separated that I feel no one really knows the whole picture of who I am. And right now, I need someone who does and can talk to me on both levels. Maybe I just need time to grieve... time to understand what has happened this year...
I lost the one person in my life who changed the world for me. She abandoned me as a child. That pain, combined with the many complications that came from being raised by her parents (Were they my parents or my grandparents? Would she come and take me back from them? Would they get tired of me and give me up too? and MUCH more) The choice she made gave me a chance at a better life than she could have ever given me. The choices she continued to make through her life caused brokenness in our entire family. But in the last few years, I realized her sins were no greater than the rest of our's... Our inability to forgive and to love like God loves us, the inability to be soft and comforting instead of hard and judgmental... Not just to her, but to each other. She was truly an anchor in my life of why I am who I am. And while she did not raise me, she did influence me more than anyone in this world. And now she is gone and so what now? How do we heal as a family? How do I heal as a person? How do I make amends with people from my past? How do I completely heal?
While I have no regrets because I had forgiven her and had started a relationship with her finally... Maybe I grieve even more because I had started to dare to dream what our new family photo might look like. I had spent my whole life dreaming of this picture of me without my family. But just these past few years, I began to dream of a new photo and how they would fit into it. And this past year, I began to dream of how SHE fit into it. And now the hope of that photo is gone, at least the one with her in it. And it hurts in ways I cannot describe.
And there is pain and perhaps some regret for the people I so easily dismissed because I wanted a different life, one that did not include them - because they represented the hurt girl of my past. I now know that they loved me despite all that, and I would just like to get them all in one room and say "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." I know God will heal these things with time. But I realize this morning that in order for Him to do that, I have to be willing to admit that there is something that needs to be healed. I have to be willing to reach toward the future while also being willing to embrace the past. It's a challenge I was not prepared to take. But I know God will lead me through it.
There is a lot more that occurred this year that lays on my heart this morning, but I am not prepared to "focus" on those things by talking about them. Not yet at least. I know my life is blessed and I know so many people who need help and prayers and encouragement. I usually choose to focus on them instead. But God has shown me this morning that if I don't allow myself to grieve, my whole picture could fall apart. Because if I don't allow myself to face the pain, I am only putting a bandaid over it and ignoring it. I am not growing. I am only faking. So, if you are reading this, I appreciate any prayers you might send my way as I continue on this new journey.
I'll leave you with a poem I wrote this morning. It may be a little rough around the edges, as I haven't written a poem in a long while...
I had a dream, you were there. The wind was dancing through your hair.
You reached back and grabbed my hand; looked at me to understand.
This was a dream, you had to leave. But I could not accept, would not believe.
And, so I chased you but you did not care. Your laughter faded through the air.
I woke up and you were gone. But I still felt you holding on.
I closed my eyes, laid real still. Begged for sleep with all my will.
But the warmth faded into tears. Reality shook alive my fears.
I'll never again feel your hand. Nor hear your voice upon command.
Except at night through vivid dreams. When reality is not as it seems.
Except when God gives me the gift, a moment solely for my benefit.
For I know you are more than fine. This broken heart is only mine.
But I can't reason with my heart. I do not want our lives to part.
And so through tears, I beg for sleep; For one more memory I can keep.
I resent the day as it pulls me to; and takes me farther away from you.
Fight as I might, I can't resist. For these moments - they do persist.
So, I must allow you to leave. And allow myself this time to grieve.
