My Social Experiment: 100 Days off Social Networking

Back in May, I felt led to take a break from social networking (I never really used Twitter, so it was really about Facebook). There were several reasons for my decision to do this. The main reason is I felt it was a time suck / distraction and it was keeping me from focusing on some important decisions that I needed to tackle. Every time I would have something tough to deal with, I would feel my spirit get tired and to "perk up" I'd get on Facebook to just "check it" and end up on there for at least 20-30 minutes. Do that a couple times a day, every day and I had lost hours of time. My defense for Facebook was it was the main way I connected with many people, including family members. I enjoyed being able to look in on people that lived far away. I also enjoyed being able to share my life, especially with it being my first year of motherhood. Lastly, my main defense for staying on Facebook was that I enjoyed using it to encourage others. But all in all, I felt I needed to obey the conviction to take a break and see where it would lead. I was only going to get off Facebook for one month. I could do it... right? (Honestly, I wasn't sure!)

I made the decision to take a hiatus in April, but was going to wait for some milestones to occur so I could share them before signing off. May 12th was Mother's Day and the day I had designated as my last day on Facebook. I uninstalled it from my phone and had Dustin change my password, so he would hold me accountable. I said my good-byes and began my hiatus.

The first week was like being in detox. I instinctively tried to check it without even thinking. I would be working on a project on the computer and I would open a new window and start to type "fa", waiting for it to pop up. I actually went all the way there a few times. Thankfully, I was logged out without the password or I would have just fallen back in. I almost felt "itchy", wondering what everyone was doing. I tried to justify it by saying things like "But I really care about _____ and want to know what happened with their ____." Dustin said he would look in on people for me. I said that was great, but my flesh was not satisfied - I really just wanted a few minutes on there.

One of the strangest parts of "detox" was the "status thinking". I realized I would constantly think in the form of status updates! I wouldn't just have a thought. I would think of how I would word it on Facebook. Then I would re-word it a few times to get it just creative enough or to sound just right. Some of the updates were something a few people would care about - like about Zoey, my back therapy, etc. But most were dumb. I remember spilling ice on the floor and thinking of something corny to say. Or how I did something dumb in traffic and what I would say. Of course, there were the many sounding board ideas. Whenever something would irritate me in the slightest, I would want to hop on Facebook to say something and get some encouragement / support. The point is... those first couple weeks were shocking to me. I had no idea that while I was off Facebook, I was still on it - by my "status thinking". It was strange and my brain felt really cluttered, especially with not being able to dump those updates onto Facebook. I began keeping a journal to help me have a place to "dump".

After a couple weeks, the status thinking cooled down. With the use of the journal and the long list of goals I set for myself to accomplish while off Facebook, I redirected my thoughts. It probably took 3 weeks to really clear my mind. Once I did though, I felt more clear-headed than I had in years. I could come up with solutions to issues and be more creative in much shorter amounts of time. I also had more free time to dedicate to these things. Between those two improvements, my life began to take new shape.

Something tragic happened at the end of May that changed my perspective of Facebook even further. One of my friends that I followed the most often was Taira. We were friends in the real world first, attending the same church, sharing a passion for entrepreneurship and a love for photography and all things creative. We had similar challenges when it came to finances and she told me I was an encouragement to her with how Dustin & I overcame many of those challenges. She lived in Hermitage (city where we lived all those years in our apartment) so we got together for breakfast or lunch, when our schedules permitted. Then back in 2010, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Over the next three years, the cancer in her body went into remission and then... came back with a vengeance. I followed Taira's story on Facebook. She was a great writer and shared her journey very openly. I helped with a fundraiser for her. I took her lunch and prayed for her a couple times. At the end of May, she passed on to Heaven. Her regressing health was one of the main things I had Dustin keep an eye on for me, as I continued to pray. I texted her once that last week of her life. I, along with hundreds (thousands?) of people were devastated by the loss of this beautiful woman of God. After the initial mourning, Taira was able to teach me something more through her death.

When she died, two simultaneous thoughts came to mind. One was that I would miss her on Facebook and how glad I was to have had that medium to stay in constant connection with her. In our busy adult lives, it really is impossible to stay in touch with everyone, everyday. Through Facebook, I am able to check in on several people within minutes. If something is going on with them, I can offer encouragement instantly via a post on their wall or a private message. What a great medium it is for this. Had it not been for Facebook, I wouldn't have shared in her journey the in-depth way I was able to. And I'm sure there are hundreds of her friends that feel that same way.

However, on the flip side of that coin... I was thinking back to the last time I had actually talked to her in person. I thought it had been "a few months" since I'd seen her. After some thought, I realized the last time I'd visited with her was March of 2012. It had been 14 months! How was that possible? It didn't FEEL that long. Then the harsh reality set in. I had substituted our Facebook friendship for our real friendship. Granted, the previous paragraph stands true - Facebook is good for daily connections, especially when you live far away from each other. But Taira lived just down the road. We were never every day friends that got together weekly or hung out on a regular basis. But we DID have an in-person relationship that was fun and creative and mutually encouraging. While messages are nice to receive, there is nothing that compares to the intimacy of a phone call, a coffee chat session at Panera, a drop-by with lunch. I feel like I failed our friendship. Taira, I'm sure, never gave it a thought. But it's not just about her now. It's about the whole lot of my "social world" versus my "real world". How many other real, genuine, in-person friendships had I substituted with Facebook? It was a lot... Between the new house, new baby, bad back, I hadn't even been to church in months. I'm not sure anyone realized because they still saw me on Facebook. See - that's the thing. We "see" each other on Facebook and can miss out on what is REALLY going on with someone in the real world.

That realization, along with my new clearer thinking, prompted me to extend my hiatus further than the initial month. I had told Dustin back in February that I was going to take a Facebook hiatus soon. Then March came. Then April. When I declared my departure date would be mother's day, he didn't believe I would stick to my word - for good reason. The funny thing is now I've been saying the opposite... I'll get BACK ON Facebook at one month, no wait - 6 weeks... Okay, 2 months... It's went like this every couple weeks. When I realized we were approaching 100 days and thought that would be a good milestone, I declared that my day of return. Dustin, once again, had doubts of my intentions. Not only that, but he was actually encouraging me to get back on. That's bizarre, in and of itself, but he has valid reasons he wants me to get back on. And there are many reasons why we have discussed how I will have to do it differently now - lest we end up back here again next year.

So after my 100 days, here are my pros and cons to Facebook. 

CON: It's a time suck.
When I get on to check in on people, I end up not only looking at their posts, but other people's posts on their wall, and then their photos and I take so many rabbit trails, before I know it - I'm on someone's page I've never met and it's lunchtime.

PRO: It CAN be a time saver.
When you truly want to check in on someone's status (when they have had something going on) but you know your schedule is not going to allow personal interaction on this particular day. If you can just get on, stick with the plan, and get off - well done.

CON: This leads us to the dangerous territory of "relationship replacement".
Do not let Facebook updates and posts replace a real relationship. In the past 24 hours, I have had phone calls &/or texts from the likes of Beth, Sabrina, Angie & Cathy. These are four of my oldest friends. Some of them go back to first or second grade (30 years!). If I were on Facebook daily, there is a good chance we would have just FB messaged instead. Is texting personal? Well, it's a lot more personal than Facebook, in my opinion. You are making a concerted effort to interact with just this one person, directly. In a busy world with babies and jobs, texting has it's place. But I have also had phone conversations with all these people in the past week. So it's a much better step in the right direction.

PRO: Encouragement and helpful (solicited) advice from a much larger network of "friends".
There are lots of friends I have on Facebook that I wouldn't have as every day friends, for a variety of reasons. Many of them live far away. Many of them are people I've met through business networking. Facebook has allowed us to expand our relationships further. We are now able to offer and receive encouragement and/or advice from people that may really be able to help you - someone you might not talk to in the "real world".

CON: "Status thinking".
That weird anomaly that occurred those first few weeks off Facebook, where my thoughts were in the shape of status updates. The strange part is never noticing it while you are able to have Facebook to dump them out on. I am a writer by nature, so it makes sense that I would over-think how I want my statuses to be read. But to do it about dropping ice on the floor? No, that's not right. I truly felt foggy with that way of thinking. It's a relief to have a thought enter and then also immediately leave your mind - the ones that don't matter at least. It's great to laugh at yourself for dropping ice on the floor and then going right back to the project you were working on - instead of spending moments or minutes reflecting on the ice and how to post about it on Facebook... and then posting it on Facebook. And then... getting sucked in for another 20-30 minutes. (sigh...)

PRO: Easy access to your extended network.
I am in the process of planning a shower for one of my best friends. I would love to reach out to the guest list and check in on RSVPs. But I don't have most of their phone numbers or email addresses. Facebook will be the perfect medium to reach out and figure this out. It's a big help with planning anything really. A good way to use that "SOCIAL network". :)

CON: Drama, drama, drama...
This is a huge con for me, now that I've had my time away. It's not the reason I took a break, but it was a reason I wanted to quit as an emotional decision on more than one occasion. Alright, kiddos... take note. Why must we use social networking to make political statements? Now, I'm as guilty as anyone else of doing this from time to time. But I am really asking that question... Why do it in this forum? I asked myself this question as well. And then I tested out my answers with how they really held water. Here are some of my reasonings and results.

"Because I should take a stand for God and for my beliefs". Nice thought. The truth is that the majority of people who have a belief system are not going to change it until something happens in their own personal lives to effect their line of thinking in that area. This is a fact.

"Okay, but what about the minority of people who might sway about which side to stand on?" Okay... I get it. But you do realize they are also inundated with people shouting about the other side of the political coin, right? So, who do you think you are? And who are they to you? Are you so important that in Facebook Land (NOT the real world) - people are going to take note of what you say and change their thoughts forever? It MAY happen. I would guess the chances of me shouting about my stance on a hot topic and it actually changing someone's mind is as likely as someone giving me a pony because I posted a photo of one on my page. (I haven't ever done this, but if you think you're up to giving me a pony - let me know and I will make this happen!)

"I don't understand how this seemingly smart person can be so ignorant in this one area!" 
Yeah... I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about you. Of course, they are wrong. Right? See how confusing and non-important it all is.

"To open their eyes to the other side of the discussion"
To be fair, some (not many) are respectful in their political posts. But even then... Don't you think that if we are on Facebook, we are also tuned in to other modern inventions like the news, TV, etc? We are getting handed both sides in our daily world... every day. We don't need little old you to try to educate us. I'm sorry. I know you have good intentions. So did I. But... to quote my hubby "your argument is invalid".

THE REAL ANSWER (that I've come up with)... PEACE.
Not to quote John Lennon or anything, but I really do want to give peace a chance. Here's the deal... The "social world" is NOT equivalent to the real world. The harder you fight to make your Facebook statuses count, the more you are losing grip of this cold, hard truth. If you know me in my real world, you know my heart. You know my beliefs. I can talk with my real world friends about things. I am blessed to have friends that are not clones of me. Therefore, we have unique differences that we can learn from each other and enlighten each other. I encourage you to seek that from those real world friends. If you are tempted to make a big hot topic post... Really search your heart. If you have good intentions like any of the above, really think about the water test - is it going to hold water, or will it get lost in the firestorm of hot topics? Is it going to really do any good to post it? Of course, the other people who AGREE with you may chime in and tell you how awesome you are, how smart you are, how brave you are for making such a post. ||sigh|| If this makes you smile just thinking about it (I'm guilty too)... Get over yourself. You're not doing it to help anyone. You're doing it to be part of the crowd. You're doing it to get a pat on the back from other like-minded people. They already agree with you - so what is the point in all of this???

I've decided I can't deal with all that anymore. It's not just the political posts either. Heck, mommy topics are as hot and divided as political ones! My pastor often says "Focus on the do do". The point is to not focus so much on what you or others should not be doing. But instead, focus on the love that God's placed in your heart. Pour that out on others. The ONLY way any one has ever made an impact in my life was because they showed me love first. They showed me love, respect, genuine concern and caring. Then, they didn't have to tell me things I should change (finances, bad choices, etc). I looked at their lives, which I respected. And I went to them and said "Hey, I've noticed you ____. Can you help me with that?"

So I am still me. I have my core beliefs. But I'm going to focus on the do-do. If I find you focusing too much on doo-doo instead of do-do... I will cut you from my friends list. I don't have time to deal with your... doo-doo. ;)

PRO: Business networking!
Alright, so I've got some new things going on in my life and I will be using this platform to network a little bit. (Don't worry - I won't be one of "those" people). Facebook & Twitter seriously are great for this though. As a marketing professional that helps small businesses every day, I've seen what social networking has done to help expand their businesses at an amazing pace that would have previously taken years and lots of money to accomplish. This is something it's designed to help with!

CON: My last con is... ADD.
It kind of ties in with the whole "status thinking". But it goes one further. When I get on Facebook for even just 10 minutes, I can scan close to 100 statuses in that time. I have suddenly filled my head with what 100 people are doing and on top of that - what other people are thinking about that. When I log off, it doesn't just go away. I don't just turn back to my daughter or husband and get right back into their lives which are right in front of me. I am still thinking about how Judy said her husband lost his job. And how Marilyn made an inappropriate comment to Timmy about Judy's husband - right on Facebook, for everyone to see. I then want to tell my husband about it. Or better yet, an hour later, I want to get back on to check back in on it and a couple other things. I will be distracted with my real life, while my brain is still in my "social world".

After that first month of detoxing... I felt like a new person! I was able to think so much clearer. Not just the status thinking, but everything sounded louder, crisper. I was able to hear my daughter's laughter without the background chatter of what I'd read on Facebook playing in my head. I was able to hear God clearly and beautifully. I was able to rationalize things in my life and make really big decisions. I explained it to someone like this: Facebook is like sitting down for an intimate dinner with your family to talk about your day... in the middle of a sports bar, with 30 big screen TVs surrounding you, along with a restaurant full of other patrons (some drunk and loud) chatting away. As much as we might try to focus on each other, it's going to be really hard to connect at a level the human flesh longs for and needs. We need those deep connections. We were intended for them. We have to "turn it off". Spend less time on Facebook and Twitter. You may not realize it, but even when you close that laptop or phone, it is usually still on in your head.

That's why it's taken me so long to come back. I really wanted to clear it all out and do a hard reset of my system before I came back. Like an addict, I'm going to be very careful as I re-enter this world. Today will start my first weekend back. After that, I'm going try to log on twice a week at first. If I can be responsible with that, I will do it once a day. I will NOT be installing it on my phone. So, if you use FB to connect with me, don't be offended if I don't get back to you right away. I know that even with those measures in place, it still has a huge chance of becoming a replacement to the real world. It has a huge chance of being a time suck, an attention disorder, a mental fog and a way to lose my peace. I have been so very peaceful the past few months. Life is quieter, simpler... really lovely. That brings me to my last pro.

PRO: I will get to see some smiling faces I had missed!
I DO look forward to seeing you again. I don't think I'm better than anyone for saying all these things. They were all truly surprising revelations to me, personally.

THE VERDICT: I would encourage everyone to take a break. Even if it's just for one week. I mean - you can do that, right? It's just 7 days. My real challenge would be a month, but hey - do what you can do. A month is enough time to clear out the fog and hit the reset button. See if the air smells a little sweeter, if life is a little more pure and simple. Just give it a try. I'll be here when you get back, ready to give you a big Facebook hug! ;)

Social networking IS the way of the future and I find it impossible to completely go without it. (I had considered it). Since we know it's here to stay, I just suggest we all find ways to be more responsible with how we use it. It's come on so fast that most of us have missed the power it has taken in our lives. So take a time out. Call someone. Stop and go out for lunch with them. Bring them into your real world. After all, when the zombies attack, we'll only have our real world relationships to rely on. ;)

Patience, Faith & one Rockin' Mini Van...

Hey again! Hope you are all ready for Christmas! So, I wanted to share the story of our latest blessing, because it is more than a story of blessing - it's a story about making tough decisions and how God can reward you for them.

One of the things I have struggled with the most is patience. When I've made up my mind on something, I feel like I need it all to happen and I need it to happen now. This is the reason behind: why I hired a board of directors for my company who DO have patience; why I have had trouble sticking with a weight loss plan - I want immediate results; why we dug ourselves into so much debt - not because of needing frivolous items, but because with even the necessities, we could not depend on God to deliver - we instead depended on MasterCard & Visa; and even why I have burnt the bottom of many pots and pans! ;)

I have prayed scripture over this and in the process of walking through our financial troubles, I began to learn patience. Faith & Patience are so tied together, but I never made the connection until a couple years ago. Anyone can have faith when it only takes a minute to get what you're believing for (or less!) But faith comes not by seeing, but my believing. And if you never have to wait to see something, you never have to learn real faith.

Once I realized my issue, I began to read faith and trust scriptures. One area I struggled in was tithing. Only because "How can I tithe when I can't pay this month's rent?!" I struggled big-time on this. If you are struggling with this, I hope this encourages you. This may not be in conjunction with what a lot of preachers would preach for you to do, but this is what helped me: baby steps. God spoke to my heart and asked if I could trust Him with just $10 / week. I agreed. Then before long I realized "wow, I am still paying bills and things are falling into place!" Then just a few weeks later, He asked for $20. And so on... (though at the time, $20 was close to our tithe!) Anyway, my belief was God is such a loving God, HE had PATIENCE with ME! :) See, he taught me TWO lessons... He taught me trust and faith as I learned with each step that I could trust Him AND He taught me patience by demonstrating it with me! :) See - that's the kind of God I serve - a loving, encouraging Dad! :)

Fast forward to where we are now. We are doing much better financially. But with all our years of lessons and learning to wait for things, we are able to say "Just because we CAN afford it now, doesn't mean we should." Doing this gives God a chance to work for us. Sometimes, He has come through with a much better deal on the item the very next week. Sometimes we get a bonus for the amount of the item, so it's not out of our normal income! And sometimes... someone will give us that item we were going to buy. And thus the testimony...

I got into a car wreck 5 years ago (almost to the day) and totaled my beloved Mercury Cougar. I was working at home and with Dustin's shift at the movie theater, we had been kicking around the idea of selling the car and going to a 1-car family. The thing holding us back was that my car needed work on it in order to get a good price (like the Kelley Blue Book value) SO, when it was totaled, the insurance gave me the full value for it! We used the money to pay off some debts and became a 1-car family. Then we got into a position where we needed a second car but couldn't afford one. However, we were VERY blessed. We have never had to worry about a ride. Sometimes we were a true one-car family. But other times, friends would go to the airport and leave their cars here (we are close to the airport and often drop friends off to save them the parking fees). Then a friend went to basic training and Iraq and left his car here for over a year for our use! Then my mom loaned us her car for over a year. So we have been blessed. Very blessed. But now it's time. We need a second car. So began the discussion.

My mom offered to sell us her car for a couple thousand less than its full Kelly Blue Book value. Because of the great offer and the fact that I had driven her car and liked it - I felt it was a good move. Dustin was not convinced. We prayed about it and after some time, realized we just didn't have the peace to go through with it. I finally told her we would not be taking it on a Thursday night. It was so hard on my flesh - I even cried. How much longer would we bet without a car now? Then Dustin kindly reminded me about patience and how God continues to take care of us. So I found peace. Then the following Saturday afternoon (less than 48 hours later) Dustin got a call from his grandma. She asked him if he would like to have Pop's van (for those of you who don't know, Pop just died in September). He asked how much for it. She said "nothing". She had been trying to sell it, but God put on her heart to GIVE it to us. That's right - FREE. I thought one deal was great, but this one was even better!!! One issue with my mom's car was that though it was a 4-door, it was very small and would be hard to have when we expand our family. The van - we could have a soccer team and still be fine! ;) And I gotta admit - it's a smooth ride. So, now we are the proud owners of a rockin' mini van! ;)

Tell me my God doesn't work in amazing ways! And even better, this time I only had to have patience for like 40 hours! :) God is such a great God! He really is a rewarder of faithfulness, trust and patience!! And yes - we can keep the car for years to come as our family "grows". ;)

Also, we were able to bless others this year. If you are in a growing stage where you are believing for finances, I encourage you to bless someone else. It doesn't have to be monetary - it can be a cooked meal, a batch of cookies, a cup of coffee over a long chat. And if you do have an abundance of finances, look to God for opportunities to bless others. He put someone on my heart that we are not even close to. I had no idea they were having challenges, but He put their need on my heart and we sowed a seed. Then we found out what all they'd been going through! God used us, just like He used Dustin's grandma and so many others for us.

Blessings to you all! I pray that God brings you all a wonderful Christmas and an abundantly blessed 2012!!!

Why we cry over men in tights...

No! Not THOSE Men in Tights!

THESE men in tights...

So... the loss of my favorite baseball player from my favorite team in my favorite sport left me reeling this week. I fought back tears, anger, jealousy and even the true blues. I am not being TOO over-dramatic when I compare it to the first few stages of grief. Check it out...

Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock & Disbelief. Check! I (and all of Cards nation) went through this.
2. Pain. Check! Felt like when I got dumped by my high school boyfriend.
3. Anger: Check! 
4. Reflection, Depression: Lots of reflection for sure... which of course left me with fighting the blues.
5. The Upward Turn: I think I'm already in this stage right now.
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So, what's the big deal? Especially for those of you who couldn't care less about the Cardinals or baseball or maybe even sports at all? I have to admit that the fact I was fighting off some serious feelings actually made me upset with myself. WHY am I fighting off tears (some leaked through) over this?! Seriously?! It's just a sport! He's just an athlete! This is so stupid!!!

Well, last night in bed, as I saw Mr. Pujols in his new Angels attire, and I again felt all these emotions (See 1-4) I asked Dustin "WHY am I reacting this way?!" Then I tried to answer the question with "MAYBE it's because it's been such a hard year of good-byes for me anyway. This just adds to it." I couldn't finish that statement without completely breaking down into tears. I cried not so much for Albert and his millions, but for the tender brokenness inside my heart from a very tough, challenging 2011. And after the tears came some clarity...

For those who loves sports, it is something that can give us hope. Now, I am a Christian so it should go without saying that the main thing that gives me hope is the Lord, Jesus and the Word. But there is something to be said about the impact of sports in our lives. There is real tangible hope that comes from close games your team aren't supposed to win and chanting together with a large group of people all across the world - all hoping and praying for the same outcome! You are united in this. And there is something so magical about it all. This year's Game 6 of the World Series will go down in history as one of the best World Series games ever. I was watching it, chewing on my T-Shirt and constantly making posts on Facebook back and forth with a group of other Cardinals fans - all of located all over the country, but united as if in the same room together. We were all united in hope. But what IS it that does this?

There is something about watching a player as a rookie. You get to know their back story, where they came from, what they lived through, who they are. You know that Albert Pujols was picked 402nd in the draft. You know that Tom Brady was picked 199 in the draft. You see them play and surprise people. Suddenly they are not just a supportive player on a team. Suddenly they have a name and ESPN is saying it. Then they are leading the team to wins. Then they become a star. They fought from all odds to become the best at what they do. And you root for them. You want them to succeed because it's the dream inside each of us - to prevail against the odds. And the easiest, tangible example of overcoming is watching it happen during 3 hours on a field or a court. One team against the other. The dreamers in this world, those with imaginations, those with ambitions... they are often sports fans. Sports fans have hope against hope. Even when we lose the last game in the playoffs, we immediately begin to hope for next year. And we wish our players all the best, especially those who we have been watching play since they were just a no-name 402nd pick rookie.

I have been a writer in some sense ever since I can remember (although I laid it down for nearly a decade). The first story I remember winning a prize for was in like 4th grade. We had a class contest and I won. My story? It was about the bottom of the 9th, down by 2, 2 outs, and Ozzie Smith steps up to the plate. I'm sure you know how my short story ended. It ended with his famous somersaults. Even at that young age, I was so inspired and emotional about sports - it was what I could write about and win a contest. My dad used to sneak a radio into my bedroom at night when I was little so I could finish listening to the Cardinals game - even though it was past my bed time. My parents were not huge sports fans, so I'm not sure how I came to be one. They said they never understood it - no one in my family was big fans. I think it was just in my blood. Maybe it was because I was born against the odds, and I was brought up against them too. (My real mom did drugs while pregnant with me and after I was born - my grandparents rescued me from the horrible environment I was in) So maybe even then - I knew there was something beautiful and overcoming about sports.

When our everyday lives are not going so great, a good game can give you something to hope for, to root for. It gives you people to believe in, to pray for. And it only takes 3 hours to get results. :) Suddenly we can turn on "the game" and see our team winning and we are elated and hope seeps back into our souls.

This year, I had some very difficult health challenges, I said good-bye to my birth mom (who had become a sister to me). I said good-bye to Dustin's grandpa who was the best (and only real) grandfather I'd ever had. I said good-bye to our own little small superhero: a good friend's son who had beat cancer with an amazing attitude and demeanor, but then succumbed to it at the age of 3. All of these deaths were sudden and cut deeply into our hearts. Our worlds as we knew them were turned upside down. We also made a life-changing decision for me to go back to a full-time job, which came with saying good-bye to a lot of things as well. It was just a tough year emotionally. But then... there are the sports...

Kentucky went to the Final Four for the first time since 1998 (I'm a new fan - only since meeting Dustin 10 years ago - so it was a big deal for me!). We went to Dustin's grandparents to watch the game. I remember Dustin was tired and contemplated staying home to watch it. But I wanted him to watch it with pop. Something in me told me it was important (though he was good and healthy then). Dustin had grown up watching the games with his pop and they would call each other during and after big games to talk about them. It was very special between them. We ended up losing that game, but Dustin watched the last game his pop would ever see right by his side. And it was special. Did I cry when we lost? Yes. I wanted us to win it all for pop. But at least they gave it a heck of a run! And pop was the only one who didn't cry or get mad at the loss. He said "Well, they did a great job. No sense in getting upset over it." 

The Titans said good-bye to Jeff Fisher. That was heartbreaking. Jeff Fisher is a good man and has done a lot for Nashville. And he has been the coach of the Titans since I moved here and fell in love with the sport I had never cared too much about. So - yes, I cried when they let him go. 

Then we have my favorite sports team ever: the St. Louis Cardinals. I don't get to watch them play very much here in Nashville. But as the season ticked down, more games became available and when the playoffs came around - I had the extreme pleasure of watching every single one. So the fact that they took it to Game 7 of the World Series was awesome for me - I got to see more games than I have in years! :) And wow... what an amazing ride that was! By this time, all of the difficult events in our lives had already taken place. This run to the finish line was a much welcomed event for me. It was so uplifting, so amazing, so overcoming! Game 6 was the definition of HOPE and why sports fans are sports fans.

So for many of us: Sports goes back to childhood or to a moment or to a hope. We remember where we were when Pujols hit the ball off Lidge that went into outer space. We remember where we were when we saw the Titans perform the Music City Miracle. And where we were when they came up just a foot short from winning it all against the Rams. We remember those moments and however they turned out - they define a moment when we sat on the edge of our seats, and bound together with millions of other fans, all of our hearts hoped for the same outcome. No one is fighting over politics or religion. No one is discussing the economy or the wars or the future of our country. No one cares about how our diet is going or how our kids are doing in school - not in those moments. In those moments, we all have hope and everything else become background noise, even if it's just for a few hours. When that hope is taken away in the last game of the year, it makes sense that our hearts break just a little. When our favorite player or coach is taken away - it's the same thing.

I have had the extreme privilege to watch and hold my breath, eyes wide open, heart beating fast - as Pujols took the plate in a Cardinals uniform for 11 years. That's a long time. That's one year longer than I've even known my husband. I've talked about Pujols to all other Cardinals fans. I remember my niece, Lindsay having a crush on him his rookie year because she heard what a great person he was (before he was crushing every ball that came his way - which was soon to follow). I have SOOOO many memories of LIFE happening around those moments, watching him play. And as I watched him become the star he is now, I truly thought we would have him forever. It only seemed fair since we had cheered for him before news announcers could even correctly pronounce his name. We had embraced him and his charities before his stats had become epic. And I guess I naively allowed myself to believe I would get to share this legacy with my children someday. I remembered my Ozzie Smith story and hoped maybe Pujols would be the legend in St. Louis that he was. Maybe my kids would write their own baseball story based on the Cardinals with Pujols at the plate. But suddenly, with one story line on Thursday morning, December 8th - all those HOPES  were gone. 

Ultimately, my core of faith and hope rests in Jesus. When life is tough, I turn to Him. But sometimes sports seem like a gift from God because of the excitement and hope they bring. And so it was a sad day to realize I would have to lay down that naive expectation. I would not see him go all the way from a rookie to breaking all the records. I would not get that pleasure. In 4 or 5 years, if he does it - a crowd of Angels will cheer for him and since I cheered for him before they knew who he was, it seems unfair. But just like life - sports feel unfair sometimes. But ultimately they go on. Just like life does. And one day, it won't be so heartbreaking. One day, perhaps Freese will fill that role. One day, there will be another rookie to cheer for. And one day, we will do it with our children and eventually grandchildren. But nothing will ever make us forget all those moments we shared. 

After reflecting on it all, I don't feel so silly. I see the deep-rooted connection sports have in our lives, as well as the players we root for. The key is keep your focus on the game. It will continue to be played and new stars will rise. I feel that I'm already rolling into that 5th stage of grief and I'm sure 6 & 7 are right behind it. It's a lot quicker than the other losses we experienced this year. It's not pleasant, but like everything else - time will heal all pain. That, and another amazing, breath-holding, shirt-eating, stomach-wrenching, comeback win. I can't wait. 

Phase 1 Complete!!!

Well, I haven't been in touch lately. And for that, I apologize. A lot has been going on (not that this is unusual for 2011) First of all, I come to you from a recliner, where I have made a home this past week. I am having some health challenges with my lower back. They are not new challenges, but they are back in a more fierce way than ever before. I am thankful that I met my insurance deductible early this year and because of that, I was okay with getting an MRI and whatever other tests they wanted to give me. After 3 times of my back "going out" in the past 3 years, I figured it was time to find out what was going on. It looks as if there are 2 discs that are not doing so well in my lower lumbar. This is not an old age thing, not an active injury thing - this is an injury you find in people like me - who sit for a living. That's what I do. The most active part of me is my arms and hands. That's about it. :) The better my career has gone, the worse I've let my health go. So, it's on me really. I am finally sick and fed up with. Something about knowing that 35 is around the corner... wow, that's just too old to not try to get all of this fixed up NOW. So please stand with me in faith that I am HEALED (1 Peter 2:24), God will fix all my wounds (Jeremiah 30:2) and I will be like new in no time!!!

Now, how about some praise reports?!!! :)

Today, I had my kind neighbor Jen drive me to run some errands today. My back was hurting, but I had a very important thing on my calendar for today and I was not going to miss it. I needed to go to the bank. I had a couple deposits to make and one big withdrawal - as scheduled. I took out $1100 in cash and put it in an envelope and paid off our last final "small" debt. Between medical bills and credit lines and little "past dues" here and there... all our "small" debts were equal to a rather large debt. Tonight marked the last one!!! In the past 4 months, we have paid off $8200 in debt!!!! WOO-HOO!!!! AND we had another $8500 in debt cancelled for us!!!! I wrote a couple blogs ago about our credit card settlement that took off $3000 and the state-wide student loan thing that removed $2500 off my student loan balance. Then a couple weeks later, Dustin's grandma wanted to do something for us with some of the money pop left her and so she paid of Dustin's student loan!!! So, that is $16,700 of debt GONE in just 4 months!!!!

As you read this, I beg of you THREE things:

1. Don't get caught up in the numbers: If you don't have a lot of debt and it seems crazy to you that we have so much, try not to judge. We all make mistakes in different ways. I'm just so glad we have LEARNED from them! :)
   
2. Don't get caught up in the numbers: If you have a debt that you feel like you will never pay off and you see that we did that much in just 4 months... Don't be disappointed. God will do it for you too!!! I used to be YOU! I was YOU! I was watching friends with big breakthroughs and amazing stories of faith and debt cancellations. And I couldn't understand it. What was I doing wrong?! It's not that you are doing anything wrong! In my case... I had not yet fully learned to trust God (thus the reason I kept falling back on credit to get me out of pinches) LISTEN TO ME: If God can do it for us, HE WILL DO IT FOR YOU!!! You have to be open to His miracles!!! I am SO thankful that He is doing all these cool things behind the scenes for us because He is reminding me that it's not just me. It's not just because of this corporate job. It's not just because of my talents. It's not just because of Dustin's job. GOD is doing exceedingly above what we can do!!! Which brings me to #3...
   
3. NOW - LOOK AT THE NUMBERS!!! We paid off $8200, BUT GOD took care of $8500!!! HE BEAT US!!! :) We did our best and He did better!!! Proof that God will meet and exceed you! It reminds me of parents who tell their kids "I'll match whatever you save for your car" We have done our part in learning our lessons and applying them to our lives (see my 3-step plan HERE) and God has more than matched us!!! HOW AWESOME is that!!!

So now the Reschs enter into "Phase 2" & "Phase 3". We are now paying off our 2 remaining personal credit cards. That is Phase 3 (but we are sowing into it now). Phase 2 is to save the rest of our first 1/2 of a down payment for our house!!! That's right!!! HOW EXCITING! Now we are in a phase where we get to save for a long-awaited dream!!! WOO-HOO! As we continue on Phase 2 & Phase 3, believe with us for more amazing testimonies. We are living a life that we wish to one day bless others with!!! 

I couldn't wait to share with you! If I were able to do it, I'd do a happy dance and post it. Honestly, I'm doing a half-way one in my recliner right now. I can't help it! What is more exciting than paying off debt?!! Oh... perhaps buying a house!!! I'll have to let you know! God is AMAZING! It still doesn't make sense to me, which is why I have to continue to trust Him. Looking at the numbers, we are way ahead of where we SHOULD be. But that's why we stand in faith!

Love to you all! Thanks for your prayers! Will post a praise report on my back very soon!!! :)

I grieve...

This year has truly been a year of two stories for me (and Dustin). I have been telling you all the wonderful things that are happening in our lives - and there are SO many! And I praise God for each and every one. But because we are human and we live on this earth, sometimes very hurtful things happen too. And this year dealt some challenging life-changing issues to us. Suddenly, this morning, I find that there are raw issues I still haven't really allowed myself to deal with. Perhaps it's partially because of all the other things that have kept me busy. Perhaps it's been a choice. I sometimes think that if I focus on the pain of things that this detracts from the amazing things. But as I saw on my friend's FB wall this morning... When we refuse to deal with the pains and hurts in our lives we not only rob ourselves from the peace of our own healing, but we rob others of seeing the true works of the great Healer. - April Gammon

I thought that grief was like a project in my life. And I felt like after the project was over, you move on. I feel like God has given me such a peace around all the challenging things this year (notably the death of my real mom). And I am blessed by that. BUT... the grief I feel today is not simply for the loss of a life, it's a reminder of who I was as a child and all the things I ran away from when I moved to school, and then to here (Nashville).

The truth that I now realize is that... all my dreams are coming true. As far back as I can remember, I began putting together a dream of what I wanted my life to look like. I hated my life so much that I carefully sketched out a picture in my mind and I am suddenly amazed to find... My life is almost exactly as I had dreamed. I have a church that I love and am sown into the heart of. I have amazing friends I could not have even imagined. I have a God-loving husband who loves me. I even have a dog that is pretty much perfect. I have a corporate marketing job where I get dressed up and have meetings with the CEO (yep, that job description was part of my original picture!) I am writing a book finally. I also have my own business that's doing well! Besides being a few pounds overweight and the lack of home ownership - life is beyond what I even painted in that mental picture. So, why in the world does that bring me to tears?

I think it's the fact that with each step into my future, I get farther from my past. I realize now that I dreamed about all this while hating my past life so much. I only found true forgiveness the past couple years. But what do I do now? People have died, people have moved their lives in so many different directions... I can't seem to find a way to ever go back to that childhood and the people that were in it and appreciate all the good there was, to appreciate this new-found attitude of forgiveness and acceptance. Childhood has such innocence in it and such wonderful moments of beauty and hope. I rarely focused on those - I focused only on getting back at the pain and proving who I could be. Now that I've "proven" it - what now?

The truth is that with the passing of my real (biological) mother... a lot of issues were suddenly re-visited. But I am no longer the person who wants to think on those things. I want to be the picture. I want to be the perfect picture. Anything other than that, to me, seems like a slap in the face of God and all He has blessed me with. But this morning, I realize... it's okay to hurt a little bit. It's okay to truly rejoice and be amazed at all your blessings but at the same time acknowledge the broken pieces that are still healing. When I was slapped in the face by her sudden death back in May, I was amazed by all the different emotions. But then I came back here and life picked up its pace. And instead of continuing on in the opportunity to let wounds open so that they could finally heal the right way (instead of just covering them up with a bandaid) I decided to try and forget it and move on. The thing is this... It's not just grief over Marcia. It's grief over my past, over all those things. It's grieving friendships that I lost because I ran away from them. It's grieving time I lost with my family who adopted me because I ran away from them. It's grieving the hurt girl inside me that never quite found a way to heal.

Last night, I dreamt I was in Illinois. I was at dinner with my family (including Marcia) and it was wonderful. Then later, I was out with a bunch of my good friends and we were laughing and talking. And I know there is a part of me that none of my friends here (not even my husband) knows. They do not know what I went through. They do not know the girl who perfectly sketched out this current picture of her life. And I think that can be hard, because that allows me to just escape it all - even if there's a part of me that doesn't want to. And when I visit with my family and old friends, they don't know the person I've become. It's like my past and present are so separated that I feel no one really knows the whole picture of who I am. And right now, I need someone who does and can talk to me on both levels. Maybe I just need time to grieve... time to understand what has happened this year...

I lost the one person in my life who changed the world for me. She abandoned me as a child. That pain, combined with the many complications that came from being raised by her parents (Were they my parents or my grandparents? Would she come and take me back from them? Would they get tired of me and give me up too? and MUCH more) The choice she made gave me a chance at a better life than she could have ever given me. The choices she continued to make through her life caused brokenness in our entire family. But in the last few years, I realized her sins were no greater than the rest of our's... Our inability to forgive and to love like God loves us, the inability to be soft and comforting instead of hard and judgmental... Not just to her, but to each other. She was truly an anchor in my life of why I am who I am. And while she did not raise me, she did influence me more than anyone in this world. And now she is gone and so what now? How do we heal as a family? How do I heal as a person? How do I make amends with people from my past? How do I completely heal?

While I have no regrets because I had forgiven her and had started a relationship with her finally... Maybe I grieve even more because I had started to dare to dream what our new family photo might look like. I had spent my whole life dreaming of this picture of me without my family. But just these past few years, I began to dream of a new photo and how they would fit into it. And this past year, I began to dream of how SHE fit into it. And now the hope of that photo is gone, at least the one with her in it. And it hurts in ways I cannot describe.

And there is pain and perhaps some regret for the people I so easily dismissed because I wanted a different life, one that did not include them - because they represented the hurt girl of my past. I now know that they loved me despite all that, and I would just like to get them all in one room and say "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." I know God will heal these things with time. But I realize this morning that in order for Him to do that, I have to be willing to admit that there is something that needs to be healed. I have to be willing to reach toward the future while also being willing to embrace the past. It's a challenge I was not prepared to take. But I know God will lead me through it.

There is a lot more that occurred this year that lays on my heart this morning, but I am not prepared to "focus" on those things by talking about them. Not yet at least. I know my life is blessed and I know so many people who need help and prayers and encouragement. I usually choose to focus on them instead. But God has shown me this morning that if I don't allow myself to grieve, my whole picture could fall apart. Because if I don't allow myself to face the pain, I am only putting a bandaid over it and ignoring it. I am not growing. I am only faking. So, if you are reading this, I appreciate any prayers you might send my way as I continue on this new journey.

I'll leave you with a poem I wrote this morning. It may be a little rough around the edges, as I haven't written a poem in a long while...

I had a dream, you were there. The wind was dancing through your hair.
You reached back and grabbed my hand; looked at me to understand.
This was a dream, you had to leave. But I could not accept, would not believe.
And, so I chased you but you did not care. Your laughter faded through the air.


I woke up and you were gone. But I still felt you holding on.
I closed my eyes, laid real still. Begged for sleep with all my will.
But the warmth faded into tears. Reality shook alive my fears.
I'll never again feel your hand. Nor hear your voice upon command.


Except at night through vivid dreams. When reality is not as it seems.
Except when God gives me the gift, a moment solely for my benefit.
For I know you are more than fine. This broken heart is only mine.
But I can't reason with my heart. I do not want our lives to part.


And so through tears, I beg for sleep; For one more memory I can keep.
I resent the day as it pulls me to; and takes me farther away from you.
Fight as I might, I can't resist. For these moments - they do persist. 
So, I must allow you to leave. And allow myself this time to grieve.

An amazing few days. Supernatural debt cancellation!

Hey friends! I feel the need to apologize about my ability to keep the blog up-to-date as much as I'd like. It's just hard to find the time. But when something amazing happens, I am going to be sure to make a post! And something amazing happened over the past week that I couldn't wait to share!

First of all, I want to say... I watched Joyce & Creflo both this morning. And they both were discussing the difference between praying for miracles and then doing the dailies. Basically - it's great to believe for miracles and God is a God of miracles. But He is also a God that gives you wisdom and direction and "leads you by the way you should go" (Isaiah 48:17) If you are going through a challenge, whatever it may be - I know there is scripture that can guide you in your particular need. I looked up the scriptures that I needed and prayed and meditated on them for a long time. At first, the only breakthrough was my ATTITUDE! But, that is the first breakthrough we need!

So many times I see it (and I have done it myself) - people who want things to be different in their lives but they don't want to work for it. I'm not just talking about people living on welfare here. I'm talking about people who "wish". Examples?? Sure... Here are 3!

I "wish" I had more friends. "No one called and invited me to go out tonight, so I give up. I'm just going to go to a bar and meet some people there. No one loves me anyway." I'm sorry - did you call anyone to invite them out? I used to have moments like this. But now - I just invite other people to do stuff. If they are busy, I invite someone else. Just because I'm married doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with people either! Dustin & I are together like ALL THE TIME now. :) And we want to hang out with friends. But feel free to INVITE US. We shouldn't have to be the ones inviting others all the time. So stop with the pity party and call someone! If they have plans, don't take it personally! Call someone else!

I "wish" I could lose weight / feel better. Ugh... I am saying this to bring light back home to me! Dustin & I have been saying this for months. But the truth is... We are not doing anything about it - not really. We start, but don't finish. We start and I end up resisting something and so we quit. We start and I hurt my back. We start and Dustin gets tired of going. We start and then we go eat pizza and coke every day for a week straight. Look - it's true that I am extremely busy right now and it's true that I have back problems. BUT I can find 30 minutes to work out if I want to. AND I can especially eat better!!! But... we haven't done it. It's doing the dailies that would change this for us!!!

I "wish" I were out of debt. Well.. Don't just WISH. DO! If your current income will not do it, then pray for God to show you a way to do it!!

In all these instances, my true belief is this 3-step plan! 
1. PRAY scriptures!! Look up scriptures that have to do with your situation (love scriptures, health scriptures, financial scriptures) Meditate on them until your HEART knows them! Then your attitude will start to change. This is the first part of the dailies - the scriptures!

2. LISTEN! God will nudge you to follow Him on certain things. For instance - He might put on your heart to invite someone to dinner (your treat) and maybe it's someone you don't normally hang out with (and maybe not even sure if you want to). But do it and see what happens! Or maybe he nudges you to do a marathon when you can barely walk up a flight of stairs right now. Commit to it, and maybe it will help you! OR if He nudges you to give someone a gift card when you can barely pay your own bills... do it! I remember buying someone a $50 Kroger card one time when we could barely buy our own groceries. But we did it in faith!! So, listen to those nudgings. Don't you know - I'm glad I LISTENED when He told me "just apply to the job. See where it goes"

3. DO THE DAILIES! Work on your attitude. Study the word. Be nice to others. Remember that it's not all about you. Do something for someone else every single day - even if it's just an encouraging word or a comforting ear. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Pay as much as you can on your debt, even if it's just $20!

Joyce said this morning that she's glad God didn't just supernaturally deliver her from all her issues. She had to walk out the journey of the dailies. When you do it that way, you GROW! You learn so much and your faith is built like a foundation for future victories!! AND just wait... once you walk it out and see success on your end, God can supernaturally deliver on His end as well. You could get BOTH!

NOW... finally for my news! We have walked through this stuff for a few years now with our finances. Last week, I did our September balance sheet. I realized we paid off almost $2000 in debt on top of going on vacation and getting some things for ourselves. I couldn't believe it! But Kismet and Relish had great months on top of what we had as our regular income. I was so excited when I saw this!!! We are doing it!!! But then... the supernatural came along! You ready??? 3 things happened over a few days time (after seeing that budget on Wednesday)

1. Our largest debt is the last on our list to payoff because we are doing the Dave Ramsey snowball thing. It is a credit card we used to help finance Relish in the beginning. They raised our interest rate in January (tripled it) and wouldn't tell us why. After about 12 phones calls and 3 letters to them, I wrote one last letter notifying them I would no longer be paying the bill until someone could explain to me what had happened. (They said we had a late payment but couldn't prove it and could not transfer us to anyone in management to help us). So I stopped paying and started praying and just trusting God. The day after pop died (9/9) we got a letter from a lawyer saying CitiBank was suing us. And not just for the balance due, but for about $3000 more than that from accrued interest and fees PLUS attorney's fees. We wrote a letter last week and faxed it to the law firm disputing the charges. I called on Thursday just to make sure they received the fax. The guy that answered (a lawyer) asked if he could help us. He ended up not only dropping all those extra fees, but taking off almost $3000 of real debt (what we actually owed) and settling for the rest, to be paid in monthly installments through June. It was SO easy, it was nearly unbelievable!!! AND he was really nice about it - helping us with what we could pay and working out a plan that would work!!! PRAISE GOD!!!! So our biggest debt will be paid off much sooner!!! AND it will go on our credit as good standing!!! (we got all of it in writing) So the one big bill I was concerned about - God supernaturally did exceeding blessings with!!!

2. Our second largest debt and second to last on our list to pay off was my student loan. On Saturday, before we left for Bowling Green (to visit with Dustin's family for the day) - I checked our mail. I had a letter from the Mississippi Higher Education (I went to school at Southern Miss). It was about my student loan. They said they were pleased to inform me that in September, 2011 they were able to reduce my student loan balance by $2500. It has already been applied to my account - nothing I needed to do. WHAT?! I looked online and sure thing!!! SO... we chipped off about $1500 on our first smaller debts. AND THEN our two biggest debts and last things on our list to pay - God supernaturally chipped off $5500!!!! WOW!!!! A-MA-ZING!!!!

3. When Dustin & I got back from vacation, we immediately started looking up our "next cruise". We wanted to go on the cruise that leaves from Miami - the Eastern Caribbean cruise. We liked the Norwegian Epic and started daydreaming. But I knew that with our debt situation - it would be next Fall until we could do another big vacation. Well... while in Kentucky, Dustin's grandma announced that she was taking us all on a family vacation. And guess what it is? YEP! The Norwegian Epic, leaving out of Miami!!! When is it? February 11th!! AND she is going to pay for it all! She said it was a gift - that Poppa wanted to take a trip with everyone and never got to do it. So - we will be going on our next dream vacation in just FOUR months! For free!!! WHAT?!!!

God clearly showed me the connection! We have been doing our part and now HE is showing us the supernatural!!! So, my friends...  I encourage you to do those steps!!! Read the Word! Pray! Invite that person to dinner. Then you may get invited to a spa day with someone else. Climb those stairs and then maybe you'll want to run that marathon! Maybe someone at work will start climbing with you and before you know it - you are getting in shape!! Buy that gift card for that family that needs it. TITHE even if you don't have a lot to give! Give what you can (like the woman with the perfume that poured it on Jesus' feet) Do what you can do! And then God will show you blessings and then MIRACLES!!! It's enough to make you sit down and weep for hours. I know I cried a lot this weekend. And let me just say - tears of joy taste much sweeter than tears of desperation and pity that I once cried years ago! Step out in faith and hope and love!!! Then be prepared to be blessed when you least expect it!!!

Love you all! I am standing with you in faith, my friends!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Isaiah 48:17!!!

Thank you for being a friend. Or rather - thank you for your friendSHIP!

So, I have been busy and it's been quite awhile since I posted. Life has been extremely busy and somewhat complex. Since I last wrote, I have worked many 50-60 hour weeks, attended 2 funerals (that were far from expected), went on our first cruise (and first vacation since our honeymoon 6 years ago), fought the flu and dealt with some challenging life situations.

With everything going on, I realized the other day that something very exciting has happened this year... I know what friendship is. Now, that may sound cliche or light and easy without much depth. But, it was a true revelation in my heart that occurred recently. Friendship is not just a history with a person. Friendship is not just who you hang out with. I consider myself blessed to have so many friends, but there is a difference between "friends" and "friendship". You can have met thousands of people over the years and have hundreds of Facebook friends to prove how rich your life has been in experiences. But the ACT of friendship... that is something current, something that flows into life every day (if you are blessed, like me). It's not just one relationship. I used to think a good friend was someone you'd known your whole life. And I do have friends I'm so glad to still be in touch with. But... well, let me just give you an example of a Friend versus Friendship....

My friend, Beth. We have been friends since I was in fifth grade. Oh, goodness... So that's... 24 years or so. Wow. Okay, so I love Beth. We have been through lots of things in life together. (some great memories, some things of which we can't remember and some of which we may choose not to!) But, I moved here to Nashville 10 years ago. And a lot happens in 10 years. Everyday life happens and shifts things and relationships. It's like a plant. The plant starts small and in a pot, on a ledge, placed next to other small plants. Then one day, the plant is taken far away and eventually decided to be put into the ground in this new location. It begins to form roots in this new location. That's how it is with me and I'm sure with anyone who has moved away from their hometown and suddenly one day realizes - their "new adventure" is now their HOME. Anyway, back to Beth... If she called me and needed real help right now, I would do whatever I could for her, including driving back to IL to help her. When my real mom passed away in May, Beth fixed my hair for the funeral. She cut it, colored it and styled it. She didn't charge me a penny. Not only that, but it was so comforting being there with her and talking to her. I knew that she understood my childhood and that she could understand what I was going through. She hugged me and loved me. She even came to the funeral. It meant SO much to me - just what I needed that day. THAT is friendship, flowing into life. It's not just because we knew each other way back when. It's not just about the past or because we're expected to be friends with someone. It's about love and compassion during the current moment at hand.

I use this example to say that while Beth is my friend (dear friend) we don't experience friendship every day because we are not together anymore (two different states and different lives). BUT the great news is God has blessed me with friendship in several places. MY POINT IS: I think often times, we get our feelings hurt because a friend isn't doing for us what we expect. Either they are not always able to be there when we need them, or maybe they don't do for us what we have done or would do for them in the same situation. Or perhaps the person that once filled a certain role for us is no longer able to fill that role. I know life can be disappointing and so can people. But GOD is never disappointing! And HE has blessed me with friendship beyond words. If I really need someone to do XYZ for me... Maybe I'm expecting Susan to do it because I did it for her just a few weeks ago. But maybe Susan is no good at doing that or she doesn't have time right now. I shouldn't get wrapped up in that! The truth is - if it really is a need I have - just wait... Bonnie comes along and does just what I need. But sometimes, we can't even appreciate Bonnie (besides throwing her a simple "thanks") because we are too wrapped up in "why isn't Susan doing this?!" Look, I'm not saying you should ever be a slave to someone and have a completely one-way relationship. But... at the same time... I'm no longer sure that's it not okay to have one-way relationships to an extent. Sometimes, there are people who just need the encouragement and experience that only you can give. And sometimes, there are people who love me and are there for me in ways that I think "Wow, I can never repay them". But that is where balance can come in, if only we would allow it.

The truth is this: We need to stop looking at friendships like bank accounts with humans (When's the last time I made a deposit? What's my balance? Crap - is this going to make me overdrawn? Hey - there should be savings in there I can pull from in this emergency!) Instead, we should look at friendship as this living, breathing thing that God surrounds you with. It's a network of life. It's truly a web that is intricately sewn around a group of people you know. God will sew in perfectly and weave it to make it stronger and stronger with each new strand. You will go through things, you will not be as close for awhile, then you will be inseparable... as God stitches together this network. Then, one day you realize... I am smack dab in the middle of an amazing thing! God has woven this perfect net underneath me, from which I will never fall. I will never be alone. I will always have the right dose of love and help when I need it most.

So, how did I finally realize this? After the past year - it became obvious. Between grief, medical emergencies and the like... When you have no time to figure out what friend to call and you don't have the time to sit down and calculate which bank account to draw from... I remember after my surgery - feeling disappointed about some of the friends who didn't call to check in on me. Hadn't they realized what I had went through? I mean, it wasn't like I'd just had a broken toe! Come on! I know it wasn't cancer, but it was very serious in my world - where were they?!! Then God so gently said "Look up" I was laying on the couch and right above it is the snack bar where we sit decorations. I looked up to see several flower arrangements and cards and even some drink cups from a restaurant where friends had brought over food. I remember instantly crying. I had been such a baby! People were taking care of me - people I had never expected. And the truth was - THAT is where the MIRACLE should have been seen!! I had people rushing to help me I had never expected!! I later found out some of my other friends had issues come up with kids or life, etc. They hadn't forgotten me. They had prayed for me. And they called when they could and loved on me when they could. And God had filled their roles with all these other amazing people! And through that - he made my beautiful web stronger and mightier!!! Then, a month later - my real mom died. Two weeks ago, Dustin's grandfather suddenly passed away. In both situations, we were blessed with amazing friendship. And in between all that, this Summer - we celebrated our new jobs. And so many friends celebrated with us.

So, now... I thank God! Not for one friend. Not for one situation. I thank God for the friendship in my life! I am such a blessed lady that I don't know how to "repay" anyone. But that's the cool thing! I don't have to! It's not a bank account, after all! I just have to live and love these women (and some of my brothers) when God leads me to! When I feel lead to bless someone with something - it's not because of what they've done for me. It's not because they "deserve" it. It's because GOD is the one weaving this all together! This is HIS web and I'm just so stinking amazed at the piece I get to sit in the middle of!!!

I'd like to give a shout out to some of the strands supporting my web this year! Just remember - this is in no order or ranking or intention to leave anyone out. If I did, I apologize! But, it's not a bank account. Remember - not about friends: it's about friendship.

Beth Farris Mays, Twylla (& Keith) Foust, Leeann (& Anthony) Cooper, Mindy (& Nick) Longo, Michelle (& David) Garcia, Leah (& Corey) Cross, Julie (& Tim) Tupper, Regina (& Ryan) McNeil Wentz, Jen Anderson, Tania (& Mark) Pierce, Crystal Kensinger, Donna Whitley, Jaime Johnson, Rebecca Vajdos, Autumn Stanford, Miriam-Danielle (& Eric) Laidlaw, Maegan Buchanan, Taira Baughman, Ashley King, Jenn York, Erik Garcia, Kelly (& Keith) Terrillion, Cathy (& Matthew) Courtney, Lindsey Bevis Rich (friend AND family) Pastor Dave & Pastor Rob & Pastor Jim (what amazing pastors I have!!!!), Mrs. Anne; my doctors: Dr. Holloway & Dr. McGuire (they are friends now); Jamie Kirschner, Amber Davis, Jennifer Norquist Taylor, Jessica Oettel, April Gammon, Wendy Dujardin & Laura Jones (amazing Facebook and direct messaging encouragers!); Angie Kabat, Sabrina Shun, Ryan & Brandon Huston, Carl & Valerie Bundy, Garry & Nena Rightnowar, Amber Shelton, Billy Fields, Chris & Melanie Donoho, Jamie Bernard Fradelos (friends from Illinois showing friendship); SOOOO many other people from my church family that I sadly just cannot name you all (but know that you are loved!); my momma (Martha Peek), and of course - my best friend in the whole world, my best gift from God, Dustin Resch! I love you with all my heart!

IF I LEFT YOU OFF THE LIST... I apologize. I'm tired, I'm at work. But - I was trying to think of people who said or did things at just the right moment. People GOD used. So if I forgot you, take it up with Him! ;) hehe Seriously, if I listed everyone in the web, I'd be here all day and I have a job to get back to. Just remember - friendship is not a bank account. So don't hold it against me. ;)

Again, this is just a portion of my web. GOD is the center of the whole thing and to HIM, I give all praise and thanks for the miracles in my life, one of the most amazing being friendship.

Have a great Friday, everyone!!! Show some friendship this weekend!