Back in May, I felt led to take a break from social networking (I never really used Twitter, so it was really about Facebook). There were several reasons for my decision to do this. The main reason is I felt it was a time suck / distraction and it was keeping me from focusing on some important decisions that I needed to tackle. Every time I would have something tough to deal with, I would feel my spirit get tired and to "perk up" I'd get on Facebook to just "check it" and end up on there for at least 20-30 minutes. Do that a couple times a day, every day and I had lost hours of time. My defense for Facebook was it was the main way I connected with many people, including family members. I enjoyed being able to look in on people that lived far away. I also enjoyed being able to share my life, especially with it being my first year of motherhood. Lastly, my main defense for staying on Facebook was that I enjoyed using it to encourage others. But all in all, I felt I needed to obey the conviction to take a break and see where it would lead. I was only going to get off Facebook for one month. I could do it... right? (Honestly, I wasn't sure!)
I made the decision to take a hiatus in April, but was going to wait for some milestones to occur so I could share them before signing off. May 12th was Mother's Day and the day I had designated as my last day on Facebook. I uninstalled it from my phone and had Dustin change my password, so he would hold me accountable. I said my good-byes and began my hiatus.
The first week was like being in detox. I instinctively tried to check it without even thinking. I would be working on a project on the computer and I would open a new window and start to type "fa", waiting for it to pop up. I actually went all the way there a few times. Thankfully, I was logged out without the password or I would have just fallen back in. I almost felt "itchy", wondering what everyone was doing. I tried to justify it by saying things like "But I really care about _____ and want to know what happened with their ____." Dustin said he would look in on people for me. I said that was great, but my flesh was not satisfied - I really just wanted a few minutes on there.
One of the strangest parts of "detox" was the "status thinking". I realized I would constantly think in the form of status updates! I wouldn't just have a thought. I would think of how I would word it on Facebook. Then I would re-word it a few times to get it just creative enough or to sound just right. Some of the updates were something a few people would care about - like about Zoey, my back therapy, etc. But most were dumb. I remember spilling ice on the floor and thinking of something corny to say. Or how I did something dumb in traffic and what I would say. Of course, there were the many sounding board ideas. Whenever something would irritate me in the slightest, I would want to hop on Facebook to say something and get some encouragement / support. The point is... those first couple weeks were shocking to me. I had no idea that while I was off Facebook, I was still on it - by my "status thinking". It was strange and my brain felt really cluttered, especially with not being able to dump those updates onto Facebook. I began keeping a journal to help me have a place to "dump".
After a couple weeks, the status thinking cooled down. With the use of the journal and the long list of goals I set for myself to accomplish while off Facebook, I redirected my thoughts. It probably took 3 weeks to really clear my mind. Once I did though, I felt more clear-headed than I had in years. I could come up with solutions to issues and be more creative in much shorter amounts of time. I also had more free time to dedicate to these things. Between those two improvements, my life began to take new shape.
Something tragic happened at the end of May that changed my perspective of Facebook even further. One of my friends that I followed the most often was Taira. We were friends in the real world first, attending the same church, sharing a passion for entrepreneurship and a love for photography and all things creative. We had similar challenges when it came to finances and she told me I was an encouragement to her with how Dustin & I overcame many of those challenges. She lived in Hermitage (city where we lived all those years in our apartment) so we got together for breakfast or lunch, when our schedules permitted. Then back in 2010, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Over the next three years, the cancer in her body went into remission and then... came back with a vengeance. I followed Taira's story on Facebook. She was a great writer and shared her journey very openly. I helped with a fundraiser for her. I took her lunch and prayed for her a couple times. At the end of May, she passed on to Heaven. Her regressing health was one of the main things I had Dustin keep an eye on for me, as I continued to pray. I texted her once that last week of her life. I, along with hundreds (thousands?) of people were devastated by the loss of this beautiful woman of God. After the initial mourning, Taira was able to teach me something more through her death.
When she died, two simultaneous thoughts came to mind. One was that I would miss her on Facebook and how glad I was to have had that medium to stay in constant connection with her. In our busy adult lives, it really is impossible to stay in touch with everyone, everyday. Through Facebook, I am able to check in on several people within minutes. If something is going on with them, I can offer encouragement instantly via a post on their wall or a private message. What a great medium it is for this. Had it not been for Facebook, I wouldn't have shared in her journey the in-depth way I was able to. And I'm sure there are hundreds of her friends that feel that same way.
However, on the flip side of that coin... I was thinking back to the last time I had actually talked to her in person. I thought it had been "a few months" since I'd seen her. After some thought, I realized the last time I'd visited with her was March of 2012. It had been 14 months! How was that possible? It didn't FEEL that long. Then the harsh reality set in. I had substituted our Facebook friendship for our real friendship. Granted, the previous paragraph stands true - Facebook is good for daily connections, especially when you live far away from each other. But Taira lived just down the road. We were never every day friends that got together weekly or hung out on a regular basis. But we DID have an in-person relationship that was fun and creative and mutually encouraging. While messages are nice to receive, there is nothing that compares to the intimacy of a phone call, a coffee chat session at Panera, a drop-by with lunch. I feel like I failed our friendship. Taira, I'm sure, never gave it a thought. But it's not just about her now. It's about the whole lot of my "social world" versus my "real world". How many other real, genuine, in-person friendships had I substituted with Facebook? It was a lot... Between the new house, new baby, bad back, I hadn't even been to church in months. I'm not sure anyone realized because they still saw me on Facebook. See - that's the thing. We "see" each other on Facebook and can miss out on what is REALLY going on with someone in the real world.
That realization, along with my new clearer thinking, prompted me to extend my hiatus further than the initial month. I had told Dustin back in February that I was going to take a Facebook hiatus soon. Then March came. Then April. When I declared my departure date would be mother's day, he didn't believe I would stick to my word - for good reason. The funny thing is now I've been saying the opposite... I'll get BACK ON Facebook at one month, no wait - 6 weeks... Okay, 2 months... It's went like this every couple weeks. When I realized we were approaching 100 days and thought that would be a good milestone, I declared that my day of return. Dustin, once again, had doubts of my intentions. Not only that, but he was actually encouraging me to get back on. That's bizarre, in and of itself, but he has valid reasons he wants me to get back on. And there are many reasons why we have discussed how I will have to do it differently now - lest we end up back here again next year.
So after my 100 days, here are my pros and cons to Facebook.
CON: It's a time suck.
When I get on to check in on people, I end up not only looking at their posts, but other people's posts on their wall, and then their photos and I take so many rabbit trails, before I know it - I'm on someone's page I've never met and it's lunchtime.
PRO: It CAN be a time saver.
When you truly want to check in on someone's status (when they have had something going on) but you know your schedule is not going to allow personal interaction on this particular day. If you can just get on, stick with the plan, and get off - well done.
CON: This leads us to the dangerous territory of "relationship replacement".
Do not let Facebook updates and posts replace a real relationship. In the past 24 hours, I have had phone calls &/or texts from the likes of Beth, Sabrina, Angie & Cathy. These are four of my oldest friends. Some of them go back to first or second grade (30 years!). If I were on Facebook daily, there is a good chance we would have just FB messaged instead. Is texting personal? Well, it's a lot more personal than Facebook, in my opinion. You are making a concerted effort to interact with just this one person, directly. In a busy world with babies and jobs, texting has it's place. But I have also had phone conversations with all these people in the past week. So it's a much better step in the right direction.
PRO: Encouragement and helpful (solicited) advice from a much larger network of "friends".
There are lots of friends I have on Facebook that I wouldn't have as every day friends, for a variety of reasons. Many of them live far away. Many of them are people I've met through business networking. Facebook has allowed us to expand our relationships further. We are now able to offer and receive encouragement and/or advice from people that may really be able to help you - someone you might not talk to in the "real world".
CON: "Status thinking".
That weird anomaly that occurred those first few weeks off Facebook, where my thoughts were in the shape of status updates. The strange part is never noticing it while you are able to have Facebook to dump them out on. I am a writer by nature, so it makes sense that I would over-think how I want my statuses to be read. But to do it about dropping ice on the floor? No, that's not right. I truly felt foggy with that way of thinking. It's a relief to have a thought enter and then also immediately leave your mind - the ones that don't matter at least. It's great to laugh at yourself for dropping ice on the floor and then going right back to the project you were working on - instead of spending moments or minutes reflecting on the ice and how to post about it on Facebook... and then posting it on Facebook. And then... getting sucked in for another 20-30 minutes. (sigh...)
PRO: Easy access to your extended network.
I am in the process of planning a shower for one of my best friends. I would love to reach out to the guest list and check in on RSVPs. But I don't have most of their phone numbers or email addresses. Facebook will be the perfect medium to reach out and figure this out. It's a big help with planning anything really. A good way to use that "SOCIAL network". :)
CON: Drama, drama, drama...
This is a huge con for me, now that I've had my time away. It's not the reason I took a break, but it was a reason I wanted to quit as an emotional decision on more than one occasion. Alright, kiddos... take note. Why must we use social networking to make political statements? Now, I'm as guilty as anyone else of doing this from time to time. But I am really asking that question... Why do it in this forum? I asked myself this question as well. And then I tested out my answers with how they really held water. Here are some of my reasonings and results.
"Because I should take a stand for God and for my beliefs". Nice thought. The truth is that the majority of people who have a belief system are not going to change it until something happens in their own personal lives to effect their line of thinking in that area. This is a fact.
"Okay, but what about the minority of people who might sway about which side to stand on?" Okay... I get it. But you do realize they are also inundated with people shouting about the other side of the political coin, right? So, who do you think you are? And who are they to you? Are you so important that in Facebook Land (NOT the real world) - people are going to take note of what you say and change their thoughts forever? It MAY happen. I would guess the chances of me shouting about my stance on a hot topic and it actually changing someone's mind is as likely as someone giving me a pony because I posted a photo of one on my page. (I haven't ever done this, but if you think you're up to giving me a pony - let me know and I will make this happen!)
"I don't understand how this seemingly smart person can be so ignorant in this one area!"
Yeah... I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about you. Of course, they are wrong. Right? See how confusing and non-important it all is.
"To open their eyes to the other side of the discussion"
To be fair, some (not many) are respectful in their political posts. But even then... Don't you think that if we are on Facebook, we are also tuned in to other modern inventions like the news, TV, etc? We are getting handed both sides in our daily world... every day. We don't need little old you to try to educate us. I'm sorry. I know you have good intentions. So did I. But... to quote my hubby "your argument is invalid".
THE REAL ANSWER (that I've come up with)... PEACE.
Not to quote John Lennon or anything, but I really do want to give peace a chance. Here's the deal... The "social world" is NOT equivalent to the real world. The harder you fight to make your Facebook statuses count, the more you are losing grip of this cold, hard truth. If you know me in my real world, you know my heart. You know my beliefs. I can talk with my real world friends about things. I am blessed to have friends that are not clones of me. Therefore, we have unique differences that we can learn from each other and enlighten each other. I encourage you to seek that from those real world friends. If you are tempted to make a big hot topic post... Really search your heart. If you have good intentions like any of the above, really think about the water test - is it going to hold water, or will it get lost in the firestorm of hot topics? Is it going to really do any good to post it? Of course, the other people who AGREE with you may chime in and tell you how awesome you are, how smart you are, how brave you are for making such a post. ||sigh|| If this makes you smile just thinking about it (I'm guilty too)... Get over yourself. You're not doing it to help anyone. You're doing it to be part of the crowd. You're doing it to get a pat on the back from other like-minded people. They already agree with you - so what is the point in all of this???
I've decided I can't deal with all that anymore. It's not just the political posts either. Heck, mommy topics are as hot and divided as political ones! My pastor often says "Focus on the do do". The point is to not focus so much on what you or others should not be doing. But instead, focus on the love that God's placed in your heart. Pour that out on others. The ONLY way any one has ever made an impact in my life was because they showed me love first. They showed me love, respect, genuine concern and caring. Then, they didn't have to tell me things I should change (finances, bad choices, etc). I looked at their lives, which I respected. And I went to them and said "Hey, I've noticed you ____. Can you help me with that?"
So I am still me. I have my core beliefs. But I'm going to focus on the do-do. If I find you focusing too much on doo-doo instead of do-do... I will cut you from my friends list. I don't have time to deal with your... doo-doo. ;)
PRO: Business networking!
Alright, so I've got some new things going on in my life and I will be using this platform to network a little bit. (Don't worry - I won't be one of "those" people). Facebook & Twitter seriously are great for this though. As a marketing professional that helps small businesses every day, I've seen what social networking has done to help expand their businesses at an amazing pace that would have previously taken years and lots of money to accomplish. This is something it's designed to help with!
CON: My last con is... ADD.
It kind of ties in with the whole "status thinking". But it goes one further. When I get on Facebook for even just 10 minutes, I can scan close to 100 statuses in that time. I have suddenly filled my head with what 100 people are doing and on top of that - what other people are thinking about that. When I log off, it doesn't just go away. I don't just turn back to my daughter or husband and get right back into their lives which are right in front of me. I am still thinking about how Judy said her husband lost his job. And how Marilyn made an inappropriate comment to Timmy about Judy's husband - right on Facebook, for everyone to see. I then want to tell my husband about it. Or better yet, an hour later, I want to get back on to check back in on it and a couple other things. I will be distracted with my real life, while my brain is still in my "social world".
After that first month of detoxing... I felt like a new person! I was able to think so much clearer. Not just the status thinking, but everything sounded louder, crisper. I was able to hear my daughter's laughter without the background chatter of what I'd read on Facebook playing in my head. I was able to hear God clearly and beautifully. I was able to rationalize things in my life and make really big decisions. I explained it to someone like this: Facebook is like sitting down for an intimate dinner with your family to talk about your day... in the middle of a sports bar, with 30 big screen TVs surrounding you, along with a restaurant full of other patrons (some drunk and loud) chatting away. As much as we might try to focus on each other, it's going to be really hard to connect at a level the human flesh longs for and needs. We need those deep connections. We were intended for them. We have to "turn it off". Spend less time on Facebook and Twitter. You may not realize it, but even when you close that laptop or phone, it is usually still on in your head.
That's why it's taken me so long to come back. I really wanted to clear it all out and do a hard reset of my system before I came back. Like an addict, I'm going to be very careful as I re-enter this world. Today will start my first weekend back. After that, I'm going try to log on twice a week at first. If I can be responsible with that, I will do it once a day. I will NOT be installing it on my phone. So, if you use FB to connect with me, don't be offended if I don't get back to you right away. I know that even with those measures in place, it still has a huge chance of becoming a replacement to the real world. It has a huge chance of being a time suck, an attention disorder, a mental fog and a way to lose my peace. I have been so very peaceful the past few months. Life is quieter, simpler... really lovely. That brings me to my last pro.
PRO: I will get to see some smiling faces I had missed!
I DO look forward to seeing you again. I don't think I'm better than anyone for saying all these things. They were all truly surprising revelations to me, personally.
THE VERDICT: I would encourage everyone to take a break. Even if it's just for one week. I mean - you can do that, right? It's just 7 days. My real challenge would be a month, but hey - do what you can do. A month is enough time to clear out the fog and hit the reset button. See if the air smells a little sweeter, if life is a little more pure and simple. Just give it a try. I'll be here when you get back, ready to give you a big Facebook hug! ;)
Social networking IS the way of the future and I find it impossible to completely go without it. (I had considered it). Since we know it's here to stay, I just suggest we all find ways to be more responsible with how we use it. It's come on so fast that most of us have missed the power it has taken in our lives. So take a time out. Call someone. Stop and go out for lunch with them. Bring them into your real world. After all, when the zombies attack, we'll only have our real world relationships to rely on. ;)
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